I have dreamt of being a mother my entire life, but I will be completely honest when I say I was not and probably never will emotionally prepared for everything that comes with that sweet little laugh we all love so much! Going from top 300 in the Crossfit open to waddling through workouts at 8 months pregnant while crying to fighting my way back to being competitively good in the sport all while juggling depression, work, my husband and my new life who is completely dependent on me is a very hard task.
CrossFit Mommy Vol. 3
Before getting into all the details you should all know that I have always struggled with depression and anxiety, and all those hormones didn't do me (or my husband ) any favors. Pre Ella, my almost 10 month old, I was killing the fitness game, y'all. I was top 300 in the open that year, and wondering who the heck that Morgan Pye girl was that was tying me in all the open workouts. Everything was going so well and I was on the path to another awesome year in CrossFit until one simple daily WOD of thrusters and double unders had me breathless and doing 1-2 reps at a time. A few days later we find out we were pregnant!! There were so many emotions... so many emotions. I was happy I was getting what I always dreamed of, but depression quickly followed.
I fought that depression all the way up until little miss was born. When you have depression and anxiety you don't always know why you are experiencing those feelings. I was scared to be a terrible mother. I remember being in the shower and just crying because of the unknown. What if she doesn't like me? What if I don't know what to do? I have to keep her alive?! What if I did too many HSPU? All the "what ifs". I went from RX+ workouts and crushing everyone to scaling the scaled workouts and not finishing at all. As a competitive athlete one of the worst feelings in the world is watching everyone get better and you just feel fat and tired when all you did was bend over. I heard "you're pregnant though." too much for my own good. I just mentally shut down. Pregnancy was not great for me emotionally and it did not look good on me, but the day we had her will always be the best day of my life. I'd relive that moment 1000 times.
We chose to get induced at 39.5 weeks and I am totally happy with our decision to do so. Ella is a perfectly healthy, happy baby who has blessed us with an awesome sleep habit since she was 2 weeks old. While seem to recover pretty well and quick after giving birth (my body is freakishly fast at everything), having a mishap with the epidural left me with tons of nerve pain in my back. My back will forever be my biggest fear to conquer in Crossfit. Back squats, GHD, kipping, and deadlifts all are my biggest weaknesses now due to the damage I got from the epidural, it through my timeline off... a lot. My timeline and vision of how things would be when I got back into working out was SO OFF AND SO WRONG. So many times I cried (still do...), I stopped working out for weeks (still do...), I made excuses (still do...) before I realized that it's okay to want to workout for FUN and it should not feel like a job! My husband gets me in the gym everyday making sure I just get something done and to keep my depression from rearing its ugly head too much, and I cannot thank him enough for that. He keeps me active, sane and loving every second of my life with my family.
While most of this blog seems as if I am/was overly depressed, I do not wish I had experienced this any different or any other way. I am a mom to the most beautiful daughter in the world, wife to the (one day) fittest man alive , and a full time caring, working, selfless person which I am so proud of. Don't get it twisted when I say I am okay with doing CrossFitfor fun, the competitiveness comes out every once and a while-- it just doesn't involve so many tears when I suck at something. No matter how much I suck at CrossFit that day, Ella is loving my presence every single second, winning or losing.